Vulnerability

Happy Hump Day! I don't know about you, but I am so glad that it's already Wednesday. My kids wore me down today, and nothing makes me happier than knowing that I only have two more days before I get to enjoy another (hopefully) sunny weekend.

Workout

I took two days off from running after the half marathon, which was a real shame because Monday and Tuesday showed us some of the most beautiful weather we've seen all year. But, I knew I needed to give my legs a little bit of rest so that I can hopefully recover in full form for the next half on my list. However, I also didn't want to take too much time off from running, because it can be hard to get back into that groove, so I went for a run today after school. The sun has unfortunately disappeared again, but the temperature has not dropped, yet. Nor has the rain begun to fall. So, it was a very enjoyable five mile run through my neighborhood. And I didn't feel any nagging from my IT band! Hallelujah, praise Jesus! I'm hoping to get in an eight mile run this weekend, so stay tuned to see if that one actually happens. 

Vulnerability

I went to sleep just after 9:00pm last night. I know, I'm truly an exciting person. But, I for once didn't have any work to do (let me rephrase that, I didn't have any work that I wanted to do), so I read a little bit and then crawled into bed, ready to call it an early night. I was feeling pretty tired, thanks to my 4:40am wake-up call that morning, so it didn't take me too long to fall asleep. However, a couple of recent conversations with friends (shout out to JAKL) did have my brain churning. And I'm going to go ahead and address the elephant in the room. You have probably noticed that Dylan has not made an appearance on the blog lately, and you might have asked yourself, "Hmm, I wonder if they're still together." Well, surprise! We aren't, and to spare you all of the details (there really aren't many), we didn't have any big falling out or argument or really anything of that nature. The distance got tough and the fact that we are in different stages of life got tough and most of all, we realized that although we are both relatively great people, maybe we just weren't exactly what the other person needed. It was very civil, it was very uplifting, and I still think the absolute world of him. We had a lot of fun together, we ate some really wonderful food, and I learned a lot about how to love and be loved. I can honestly say that he made me a better person in so many aspects of my life, and I sincerely hope that he can say the same for me.

I don't mean to be a downer by writing this, rather, I was thinking of social media and the Internet and how it's both a good thing and a bad thing. Really new and original thoughts, I know. But what I mean to say is this: I love social media about 98% of the time. I love that it keeps me connected to friends and family whom I don't get to see very often, I love that I get to read the random and often deep and inspiring thoughts of other people, I love discovering new restaurants or places that I feel the need to add to my bucket list, and yes, it can be a time waster, but all-in-all, I'm pro social media. What I don't love about it is the fact that we create a social media image, and that image often times hides what is really going on in our lives. What sticks out to me is this probably all-too-common example. We go off to college when we are 18 years old, and it's all so exciting and new and fun and great. Except for the nights that we're overwhelmed, or we miss our families, or we aren't sure what we want to do with our lives, or we have thoughts that maybe I'm not at the right school after all, and astronomy is the worst class ever (was that just me?), but you can't possibly be having these thoughts, or maybe it's that you could never admit them, because Susie Smith on your Facebook feed is having the time of her life at XYZ University, and Mary May is doing all of these great and wonderful things at her school, so these doubts and insecurities that I'm having, maybe they're something I should keep to and work through myself. I absolutely loved my time at UT, and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world, but yes, I most certainly had these exact same thoughts my freshman year. But I thought I was all alone with those thoughts. And you probably never would have guessed that, either. Because my pictures looked like I was having the time of my life. Because that's what I wanted people to think. If everyone else was having the time of their lives, shouldn't I be doing the same?

Freshman year of college at the Capitol

If you have been reading my blog, or following me on Instagram, you probably had no idea that Dylan and I had been experiencing some roughened waters these past few months. Because that's not exactly what I wanted to share with you guys. It's not cute. It's not fun. And I wanted to hone in on the good times and that we had, and who wants to post a picture captioned, "We had another argument today," when the person right before you posted some cute candid picture with his or her significant other, captioned with some clever caption about how great said significant other is? Not that I'm hating on those people because I am absolutely guilty as charged. Anyway, the answer is no one. But maybe we should.

And I am so guilty of all of these things that I have rambled on about for the past few paragraphs. The image I put out there, yes, is me, but it's also a very photoshopped and filtered version of me. Maybe when you read this blog, you think I have it all together. I hope you don't think that, but if you do, NEWS FLASH, I absolutely don't. I share with you the good things and the fun things and the exciting things, but what I don't always share with you is that I have bad days. Very bad days, where I'm already running late and then I spill something and then I can't find something else and then I take it out on my sweet students, saying things that I wish I hadn't said. I am a very active person, and no, I don't have any sort of eating disorder, but I absolutely have days where I struggle with body image and what I eat and feeling as though if I eat something "bad," I have to negate it. That's a very real part of my life, but not one that I often talk about. I truly do love my job, but what I didn't mention (and this is partly because I wasn't blogging at the time) is that there was a month or so of time when I doubted myself and my decision to become a teacher and a coach and I seriously asked my parents what other job I was possibly qualified to do. And living at home. Guys, living at home rocks for so many reasons (mainly the fact that I don't have to fold my own clothes). I absolutely love my parents (and playing Wheel of Fortune with - and probably losing to - them), and heck, they do so much more for me than I could ever begin to deserve. But sometimes it is hard. It was hard going from living in a house with eight of my closest friends, to living with my parents, who, while fun and exciting, aren't going to be down for a game of "What Are The Odds?" And let's be honest, I probably wouldn't want to play with them, either. To add to the list - I fight with my parents. I burn cookies. I get impatient in line at the grocery store. I fall when I rollerblade. I get stressed out. I sometimes procrastinate, which leads me to spending part of my Saturday at school.

And I've already talked for so long, and I'm probably not even doing these thoughts justice, and truth be told, I could go on for pages and pages and pages on this subject. And I'm not saying we should dwell on and live in the negative. Absolutely not. I like to think I'm an optimistic person, but I'm also very human. Bad days are a thing. Life happens, after all. And your every day is not going to be perfectly great. But neither is the person's next to you. No matter how together he or she may seem.

Some of the great people I got to learn how to be vulnerable with while in college. And none of us have it all together.

I share with you the good things on this blog and on my personal social media pages, and that's easy. But now I had to share with you something hard. And that's not so easy. Vulnerability is hard. This post is hard for me to even write. So much so that I'm not going back to reread it, for fear of losing my courage. So please excuse me if I make less than zero sense here. But vulnerability is also so necessary. There's nothing wrong with posting and sharing the good things, because I plan on continuing to do just that, but also remember that it it okay to have struggles. As a 22- (almost 23, yikes) year-old, I feel as though I'm in just about the weirdest stage of life. Maybe even weirder (though hopefully less awkward) than middle school. I couldn't even tell you why I'm writing this post, except for the fact that it has been on my heart, which is such a Christian/YoungLife catchphrase, I know. So, take from this post what you will. And as always, many thanks for sticking with me and continuing to read this little blog of mine!